So there are good days and bad days when it comes to my motivation. On the good days I try to forget about the negatives and almost pretend I physically am like pre-pregnancy. I just get on with the training, it is usually a spin class or a strength workout either at home or down at the gym. I close myself in the moment and just go for it. I happily set the alarm to get up in the early hours before my family wakes up, just to make the most of the day and to get my training sessions in. I innocently fantasise that I am doing intervals on a track or running a half-marathon – yes it’s almost as if I pretend in front of myself that this is what I am actually training for. I do enjoy a good spin class and all respect for that also those sessions can give me an adrenaline kick, but in reality the only thing I wish I was doing all the time, is running. I have built my jogs up slowly and have reached a distance of about 5-6K as a maximum so far, and I generally feel ok when I am out there. In terms of fitness level I could do more, it is the sensible part of me that stops me from running any further (yet). And on those good days, I pretend that ‘these are just early days’ and I am just building my running up from here. That I will run properly again!

There are the bad days though. That’s when it feels like there is no point in doing all this. Of course training and keeping fit will always ’do me good’, and if anyone knows that it’s me! But motivation fails me when I start analysing the possibility that this might be all I ever will be able to do. Spin classes and the odd 5K jog – that is not the runner I want to be, not the runner I am supposed to be, is it?! Sure, the prolapse usually feels ok when I do my little run but I have learnt that when I jog in the morning and then also walk quite a lot during the rest of the day then it will be so much worse in the evening. I have also learnt that I cannot run in the evening. The pelvic floor muscles are tired from the day and they don’t cope with the running impact if I wait until the evening to go out. I have always liked running in the morning so in a way I don’t mind, but it has come to a point where if I don’t get it done in the beginning of the day, it is not like in the past and I have a chance later on to do it. Run in the morning, or don’t do it at all, basically.

So if I have overdone things a bit (by a jog in the morning and then lots of walking during the day) and when I later that evening sense that heaviness and chafing down there just by walking around at home it is hard not letting the bad thoughts take over, and feel disheartened. When these periods come I loose myself in a bad spiral. I miss one training session and the next day my thoughts go along the lines: What difference will it make if I miss another one? I’m not a runner anymore anyway. Not really doing a half-marathon or a steeplechase race in this life again am I? So why bother. One session missed, two sessions missed, three sessions missed. So? It won’t change anything. Whatever.

This is not ok. And it’s so unlike me! I have never before in my life felt like giving up would be an option when it comes to exercise and training, and I hate myself for that I now let it happen.

The good days come back though and when they do I recognise myself again – and the good periods are when I generally feel at my best, also in other aspects of life.

I just need to hold on to those days, day after day…