More running (or at least dreaming about it)

After I had reached my 5K target, it felt like nothing could stop me. This was somewhat ironic as a gentle jog of that distance for ‘my previous me’ wouldn’t be much to talk about. But I wasn’t my previous me anymore, and I guess I had come to a point where I had started to accept this. I felt proud about coming to this point, considering that a year earlier I questioned if I would ever run at all again. It had taken time – a whole 16 months postpartum before I was comfortable enough to do it – but my body felt ok.

And I started dreaming.

It was right in the middle of the cross country season at the time and I was still on an emailing list from my athletics club and regularly got updates about the team’s progress and upcoming races. I never admitted it to anyone but at one point I actually considered to put my name down for one of the races that very season! Even if I would run very slow I would gain some points for the team and at least I would get the chance to get out there on the cross country field….. should I just go for it and don’t care about the performance too much?? The thought was intriguing for a moment.. but it didn’t last very long.

Deep inside I just knew it wouldn’t satisfy me in the way I hoped it would. Sure, I could now do a fairly comfortbable little run but somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it would be too heartbreaking to enter a race and therefore face reality. My level of fitness/running ability was still so far away from pre-pregnancy and even if I tried to think of me as a ‘new me’ I knew it would be too hard to take it.

So I never signed up for that cross country race. 

Fast-forward a few months and I had progressed my running and fitness level a bit more. I was pleased with that my body and prolapse could take a couple of runs a week without aggravating the symptoms too much. One day in May I was running through the little forest close to ours, I think I did about 6K that time. And I started dreaming again. I counted the months leading up to a half marathon that same autumn, and calculated how much I would have to increase the distance by each month to comfortably reach that target…..and my heart started pounding faster. It seemed doable! It was as if I forgot about the fact that maybe training for a half-marathon wasn’t ideal for the prolapse, because now that I had gotten back into the running again I just wanted more. And at one point I even thought that I don’t care anymore if I worsen it, if at least I get to do another half-marathon in my life….

But was it the right time ‘already’??? If I just went for it, would all the work I had put in until then have been thrown away, if the result would be that I made my problems much worse? Was that really what I wanted for the future?

So I never signed up for that half-marathon.

But what was all that dreaming about? Could I make any of these dreams come true one day, and maybe relatively soon?

Or was my problem now on a different level, could I actually do it now but I was too afraid to even try??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6 Comments, RSS

  1. Gina Andrews January 29, 2018 @ 08:27

    You are not alone, I spend a lot of time dreaming about running again! I have thoughts like, well I could just run blow the prolapse but then the fear of it getting worse always stops me. I have been doing some jeffing (walk/jog) once a week and have started push up and pull up training again – but don’t know what the cost of this will be!

    And well done on your 5K! I know you are used to running longer and faster but that is an amazing achievement. I one day hope to do a 5K in the future (my secret goal is to run a marathon in 5 years time (when I am 45)) it may never happen but I keep that dream with me and somehow it gives me hope.

    Thanks for writing this blog 🙂 x

    PS 5month PP (I wrote on your FB a little while back – be great if there was a runlapse FB page for peeps like to share experiences?)

    • runne859 January 30, 2018 @ 22:01

      Hi Gina,
      Many thanks for your comment. I am glad to hear you enjoy my blog.
      I love your ’secret goal’ (and believe me, I have similar ones looking long-term…!!) And hopefully for both of us they are not just dreams, maybe we can still get there. As I mentioned to you in reply to your comment on Facebook, I hope you can still see some improvement seeing that it is still not long since you gave birth. My first and most important advice will always be to take things slowly and to listen to the signals of your body.
      Looking forward to hearing more how it goes for you with your progress! (And thanks for the fbook page suggestion, I will definitely consider it!)

  2. Gina Andrews January 29, 2018 @ 08:27

    PPS not me in the photo (my line-dancing parents – not sure how that happened)

  3. runne859 February 6, 2018 @ 14:45

    Hi Rachel,
    Thanks for your comment. I’m glad to hear you’re still enjoying my blog 🙂
    It’s crazy how this type of injury is different from a ‘normal’ running injury isn’t it, both in the sense of our fear of longterm further damage and also that we feel it’s so difficult to talk about it!
    Joining the speed walk group sounds great though, if you feel your body is ready for it. As you know I am now really trying to be more open to people about my problems, and I truly believe that you shouldn’t have to hide the reason why you are not running. But, if you do find it difficult to go into detail, then don’t! Go for a less detailed explanation – although I think you should still make a point that it is since giving birth that you are not ready to run yet. People are more understanding than you think once you actually start talking. And it’s impressive on its own that you want to join a group again, even if it’s not the one you used to be part of. And who knows what this might lead to?!
    To answer your question about me, I haven’t gone back to my running club (yet?!). Although running a little finally has been ok, I haven’t felt ready for the sort of intensity it would mean to go back to the track. I do hope to get there eventually of course! More about what happened after 5-6K is lined up in the blog 🙂
    Great to hear from you again Rachel, and thanks for your strength workout recommendation – will definitely check it out! /Sofia xx

  4. A Larsen June 27, 2018 @ 14:10

    I’m 3 months post partum with prolapse. My second baby. Your intro… well… could have been me writing it, exactly. I’m thankful to have found your blog. I’m desperately hopeful to return to running. Ugh. I have the same thoughts as you did. Is a 5k enough to satisfy my previous long distance running self? I want to race, but why when I won’t be able to go fast? Why am I thinking any of this, I can’t even run yet. I get so ahead of myself in my thoughts! Bahhhh
    Anyhow, so thankful to have found your blog. I’ll follow along and hope that your return to running can help me live vicariously and keep hopes up. Thank you!

    • runne859 July 3, 2018 @ 16:28

      Hi A,

      Thank you for your comment – I am glad you find my blog interesting and it really sounds like we can relate to one another on this.
      When did you get your prolapse? After this second baby or after your first? In any case you are only three months postpartum. I am looking forward to hearing how your recovery goes, and hopefully we can even inspire each other for the future!
      Keep in touch, and stay positive.

      Sofia xx

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