So I struggled quite lot in the beginning. I couldn’t physically sit down at all initially after the birth, as the pain in my coccyx was so intense. It was stressful as I had my little baby to care for and all I wanted to do was to sit back on the sofa with him in my arms and cuddle. This was out of the question. To breastfeed him I had to lie down, which on its own wasn’t too bad, especially at first. We stayed home anyway most of the time, as neither could I sit but nor could I walk too much (vicious circle oh yes!) so I took the time to get to know my baby in the relaxed environment of home. When I look back at those first few weeks I see myself lying on the sofa, cuddling or feeding my son. E had two weeks of paternity leave. (Actually, who am I kidding, he had 3 days of paid leave and the rest were holidays. But all that belongs in a different discussion…).
He did so much for us though. When I got up in the morning he had prepared me breakfast, usually a fruit salad – my favourite! When he came home from work he would take over the care for the baby and he cooked dinner. Although the eating itself was enjoyable I always feared the moment I had to move over to the table, as I knew how painful it would be to sit down on the chair.
For my relationship with the baby it didn’t matter too much that I could only lie down. I enjoyed his company and he enjoyed being fed, in a way it was a win-win situation going on! But when it came to socialising it became a bit of a struggle, how could I go out if I had to lie down every time I had to feed my baby?! I soon became that really awkward mum who either didn’t come out at all or when I did it had to be brief so I could get back home again in time to feed my little one. And with feeds every 90min that lasted for at least half an hour each? Well, there wasn’t really time left for much else. And further, when I did come out I had to bring my super specialised – and essential – pillow to sit on as there were no chances in the world I could sit on a chair without it. Heaven was when I could visit someone else’s home where I could use a bed or sofa to lie down on to breastfeed. Sometimes I breastfed standing up in a baby sling when we where out, me and my son developed a certain technique where this was possible. Anything to avoid sitting down.
Sounds awkward doesn’t it?
Some might wonder why I just didn’t endure it and sat down to feed him anyway. But the truth is that the first couple of months post birth the pain was simply too intense. I couldn’t! In that pain I also wouldn’t be holding my baby safely throughout the feed and it was simply out of the question. Some also wondered how I didn’t give up the breastfeeding and started bottle instead when it was such a problem, but when I thought about this option I soon realised that also with bottle feeding I wouldn’t get away from the part of Sitting with the baby.
The sight of a chair sometimes made me panic. It was absurd that a thing that in reality was so normal i.e. to sit on a chair, could affect me so much. My realistic me said that of course it would get better, but I didn’t know how much better it could get? Was it temporary, or was my life going to be like that from now on, and forever?
But more than anything it made me feel like a horrible mum. When I looked at other mothers I felt I stung of jealousy as I just wanted to be able to sit like a normal person and enjoy cuddles my newborn. Whenever I tried I lasted for a few seconds but the agony was always too intense and I had to give up. What a failure.