There’s a constant battle in my head between still wanting to be the person I used to be, and to just be a mother. But they are two different people. And whenever I focus on the ‘pre-pregnancy-me’ I feel guilty. Guilty because maybe I shouldn’t even think that I could be that person anymore? Life has changed, not just for me physically but on loads of different levels anyway since starting a family. The mother in me often tells me that it’s better to forget about what was in the past, and just move on. Just be a mum.
And the reality is that having my son is the best thing that has happened to me. And believe me, it’s not a cliché. There must be a reason why many women end up going for more children, regardless of previous experiences – may it be a difficult pregnancy, labour or postpartum problems. It seems that you forget about the hard bits and are prepared to go through it again should life take you that direction – because it’s worth it all day long.
And again, of course life has changed in other ways than because of my physical issues. It would be much harder to keep up what I was doing before family – with late night track sessions during the weeks or special Sunday training days, competitions all over the country many weekends of the summer and cross country events instead during the winter. It would be possible of course! But that on its own would put a big pressure on our life now as family and I honestly don’t think I would keep doing it to the same extent even if I my body would allow me to. Because I wouldn’t want it right now. Family is a new priority in my life and I wouldn’t want to focus on it any less than I am already. If anything, I want to do more for my family! Part of me wants to have one and two and three – yes loads of more children and just enjoy family life and everything that comes with it. And I want it now, I don’t want to wait. Family is what is important now.
Yes there’s obviously a But…
Couldn’t I have had just a small part of it still? Even if it wouldn’t be like before, I imagined that I would remain the runner in the family on some sort of level.. I can’t help but feel a bit disheartened about the fact that as it is right now, I am not. And I can’t help that my mind keeps going back to that other person: ‘pre-pregnancy-me’, or ‘running-me’… and the more I want to focus on being a mother and in the future maybe a mother of more children, it would at the same time take me further and further away from that person. More children might not make my prolapse worse, nobody would know that in advance. But I can personally take a pretty good guess on that it would not really make it any better! And whenever my mind travels back to somewhere/someone I am not anymore – well, that’s when I feel that guilt coming over me again shadowing any nostalgic or hopeful feelings and imaginations… Because maybe I should just suck it up and deal with my situation where I am here and now. Accept reality.
There it is – The constant battle.